A Heart In Process

Recently I had my heart broken...

I’m 27 years old. I’ve been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful children under the age of 4. All this time I thought my heart had already been broken. You see, I’ve had what I “thought” was my share of heartaches in my life. My adorable parents (who danced in the living room when they were alone) divorced when I was 11, my dad moved away and our relationship has suffered ever since. The boy who I was convinced was the “love of my life” cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend when I was 18. My mentor, spiritual mother and bridge to Jesus, lost her battle with breast cancer when I was 20. While I was in labor with my son at 23, a good friend of mine was brutally murdered. I miscarried a 2-month old child (with a “strong heartbeat” the doctor said just a prior) when I was 25.

Now, these may be simple tragedies of the heart to you, but to me, each had broken a piece of me. However, when I think back on the pain, I remember walking through each situation with overwhelming grace (well maybe except the boyfriend one…hahaha). I threw a stuffed animal at him in our church parking lot, in front of everyone. Oh to be young and in love! God carried me through each struggle and I came out scathed, but also beautiful. It’s amazing to me how the ashes I've become can be redeemed when God is involved. My most recent heartbreak is different though.

"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from our enemies."

So true, right? I love with my whole heart; I trust with my life and secrets, and the ones who know the most about me can use it to harm. Insecurities can somehow become public knowledge and ammo to drive the sharp-edged words in a little deeper. This kind of heartbreak, I’ve come to find, has hurt me the most and knocked me on my knees.  Why? Because, I’ve found myself in a place where I didn’t go to God, believing there’s no way he would care about my selfish heartbreak, my tears for a friendship that wasn’t what it was in my heart and head. This is the mess that I created...and I kept him away, and out of place. This battle I’ve been so desperately trying to "warrior" through on my own, has caused scars on my heart and thoughts that beat me up, over and over again.

This September, my step-dad Bill had a heart attack and died right in front of my mom, 5 steps from the ER doors. He was shocked 3 times in order to bring him back to us. We were all in the waiting room during his surgery (by all I mean, family, friends, our church). I remember looking around the room and being amazed by the grace, the hope, the love for Jesus that would continue to thrive even if he did die on the operating table.

It made me wonder HOW people survive without Jesus Christ. Without Him, tragedy is just tragedy, pain is just pain. In the middle of every circumstance, I’ve known to the core that GOD IS GOOD. I’ve held fast and true to those three words.

Yet here I am, being completely and totally consumed by heartbreak, full of anger, and completely lacking grace of any kind. I want to fight back, I want to kick and scream until someone notices me. I want to prove and defend how right I am to feel the way I do. I want to rip the power out of their hands and back into mine where it belongs.

There’s a song that explains it perfectly (and believe you me it’s been on repeat for the last month)...

"Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you
But it'd be nice to know that I could.
Be strong enough to pull you under, throw you back a little thunder.
Even though I never would...
I wish I could break your heart."

They say anger is like drinking poison in hopes the other person will die. I’m currently living this, and my anger has completely consumed me. I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken.

Most of my blogs are about something I’ve learned, something I’ve been through and a little piece of advice. This time, I have none. I’m still learning from this situation. I’m white knuckling myself to Jesus and asking him to help me move on, to take the anger, but I know I’m not really giving it up. I’m saying all the “right” prayers without getting my heart involved. I’m still drinking the poison and waiting for a different outcome, because I’m heartbroken. I feel owed. I feel I deserve something. I’m so so wrong.

So why now, at 27, do I have this heartbreak? I’m just guessing, but I have a feeling there are some parts of me God wants to eliminate, work through, burn out. If I want my life at all to be a light to others, I’ve gotta get some things in order and under control. I have to take the power back and love me for me, because Jesus Christ died on a cross for me. He knows my insecurities, my secrets, my joys and my failures and won’t use them against me, but instead, he’ll use them to mold me, correct me, and empower me to be a better fountain of His love.  

I want to be better; I want to forgive.  I want to be kind, in every situation, even the painful ones. So, I’ll stay here on my knees heartbroken and talk it out with God, and maybe then I can put a little pretty back in my life.

My Something "Ugly"

It's been over a year since I last logged into this website. We lost the baby in April of 2012 and my writing felt poisoned. I literally had nothing to say; I was so overwhelmed by the shock of miscarrying that I felt blocked. Numerous times I tried, but nothing came out. Recently writing has been on my heart, and today God provided me with the words...

This past month I decided to start a little "Sweet Notes" circle between my friends and I. It's when you get assigned a name, an address, and a prompt. You send a postcard to this person, with a short writing about the prompt, encouraging, opening up...it's kind of a neat thing. This round, the prompt was "Something you thought was ugly that turned out to be beautiful". We had just enough ladies that I actually wouldn't be included in this round. NEAT! I didn't have to get vulnerable or open up to anyone!

For the past few months I've been meeting with a Spiritual Director, which I'm pretty sure is what I want to be when I grow up. We talked about my life and how God fits into it all. It's hard, and wonderful, and it stretches me in areas I don't like. Today as I was driving around, and I thought "wow...I don't have anything to talk to Heather about"...It's been a crazy month!

Dennon and I have been sick and passing pink eye back and forth. Oh joy! I've been sick for almost 3 weeks now. Not only was I extremely ill, but I'm also 5 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child, Ellowyn Grace. So, how does God fit into that?! I have no idea...right now, I'm trying not to live in fear of losing this child; I'm trying to take one day at a time. Considering I had nothing new to discuss with Heather, I kept going on about my day, however, God had something HE wanted to talk about.

In May of 2007, on Mother's Day, my best friend lost her mom and I lost my spiritual mother, to breast cancer. I've always thought back to that day as "Ugly"...as one of the most difficult moments I've ever lived through. The most gut-wrenching, painful, moment I never want to revisit. Here's why:
I saw, heard, felt her take her last breath. A room that was once filled with people praying, singing, and crying, had quickly emptied and all that were left were her kids sitting at her bedside. Her 4 children and two gladly adopted ones, John and myself. Being the way we all are, we started telling stories, laughing and cracking jokes, just like she would have done while playing a card game or eating dinner around their table. Just as quickly as we'd slipped into our regular roles as brothers/sisters, and comedians, we began to say goodbye. It's like we all knew, knew it was time and we each looked each other in the eye and communicated how we felt. We each knew that this was the moment to let her go, let her rest, let her bow at our Savior's feet. One by one we each touched her, kissed her and released her soul. Within moments of the last goodbye, she breathed one last, beautiful, loud breath and was gone.

I never ever would describe that moment as beautiful. I don't know how my brother and sisters or even John would describe it, but the pain...it struck in my heart and kept me from ever seeing the experience for more then a painful memory. But today, as I was driving along, the memory filled me and it didn't bring tears to my eyes. Instead, it brought a sense of closure to my heart. Just before she died, she was surrounded by the ones she poured her life into the most, her children! They weren't crying or asking God why? They were honoring her by doing what she loved to do most, LAUGH!!

We were enjoying each other, re-living memories we all were involved in. When she finally passed away, we were there, holding each other...lifting each other...being strong for each other. I began to think that when I die, I want my children to surround me. I want to leave this world hearing their laughter.

I thought of Ellowyn and Dennon reminiscing about how goofy I am or how loud I laugh; maybe how much Daddy loved Mommy and all the moments we spent as a family. It sounds like the perfect way to say goodbye and die.

I can honestly say that, even though it was one of the most painful moments in my whole life, it is also one of the most beautiful moments I've ever been a part of. As I was telling Heather about this, today at our meeting, I almost felt lucky that I had this memory to share with 5 other people who I care deeply about. We experienced the tears and joy together and no one can take that away. It bonded us somehow, glued our future's together, cemented our love for each other. The sadness of losing someone SO amazing will never go away. The sting of how much harder it's getting to recall her laugh, that doesn't get any easier from one day to the next...but the beauty in being able to finally look upon this memory as something God intended for good, is priceless! God is good. In every and all situations, God is good. In the middle of chaos and sadness, only he is able to stitch together hearts that will forever be connected, he is good...so good!

Think about something in your life that you consider "ugly" but later turned out to be beautiful? Who knew that even a lesson filled with tears could put a little pretty in your life? In your soul?!?