This past month I decided to start a little "Sweet Notes" circle between my friends and I. It's when you get assigned a name, an address, and a prompt. You send a postcard to this person, with a short writing about the prompt, encouraging, opening up...it's kind of a neat thing. This round, the prompt was "Something you thought was ugly that turned out to be beautiful". We had just enough ladies that I actually wouldn't be included in this round. NEAT! I didn't have to get vulnerable or open up to anyone!
For the past few months I've been meeting with a Spiritual Director, which I'm pretty sure is what I want to be when I grow up. We talked about my life and how God fits into it all. It's hard, and wonderful, and it stretches me in areas I don't like. Today as I was driving around, and I thought "wow...I don't have anything to talk to Heather about"...It's been a crazy month!
Dennon and I have been sick and passing pink eye back and forth. Oh joy! I've been sick for almost 3 weeks now. Not only was I extremely ill, but I'm also 5 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child, Ellowyn Grace. So, how does God fit into that?! I have no idea...right now, I'm trying not to live in fear of losing this child; I'm trying to take one day at a time. Considering I had nothing new to discuss with Heather, I kept going on about my day, however, God had something HE wanted to talk about.
In May of 2007, on Mother's Day, my best friend lost her mom and I lost my spiritual mother, to breast cancer. I've always thought back to that day as "Ugly"...as one of the most difficult moments I've ever lived through. The most gut-wrenching, painful, moment I never want to revisit. Here's why:
I saw, heard, felt her take her last breath. A room that was once filled with people praying, singing, and crying, had quickly emptied and all that were left were her kids sitting at her bedside. Her 4 children and two gladly adopted ones, John and myself. Being the way we all are, we started telling stories, laughing and cracking jokes, just like she would have done while playing a card game or eating dinner around their table. Just as quickly as we'd slipped into our regular roles as brothers/sisters, and comedians, we began to say goodbye. It's like we all knew, knew it was time and we each looked each other in the eye and communicated how we felt. We each knew that this was the moment to let her go, let her rest, let her bow at our Savior's feet. One by one we each touched her, kissed her and released her soul. Within moments of the last goodbye, she breathed one last, beautiful, loud breath and was gone.
I never ever would describe that moment as beautiful. I don't know how my brother and sisters or even John would describe it, but the pain...it struck in my heart and kept me from ever seeing the experience for more then a painful memory. But today, as I was driving along, the memory filled me and it didn't bring tears to my eyes. Instead, it brought a sense of closure to my heart. Just before she died, she was surrounded by the ones she poured her life into the most, her children! They weren't crying or asking God why? They were honoring her by doing what she loved to do most, LAUGH!!
We were enjoying each other, re-living memories we all were involved in. When she finally passed away, we were there, holding each other...lifting each other...being strong for each other. I began to think that when I die, I want my children to surround me. I want to leave this world hearing their laughter.
I thought of Ellowyn and Dennon reminiscing about how goofy I am or how loud I laugh; maybe how much Daddy loved Mommy and all the moments we spent as a family. It sounds like the perfect way to say goodbye and die.
I can honestly say that, even though it was one of the most painful moments in my whole life, it is also one of the most beautiful moments I've ever been a part of. As I was telling Heather about this, today at our meeting, I almost felt lucky that I had this memory to share with 5 other people who I care deeply about. We experienced the tears and joy together and no one can take that away. It bonded us somehow, glued our future's together, cemented our love for each other. The sadness of losing someone SO amazing will never go away. The sting of how much harder it's getting to recall her laugh, that doesn't get any easier from one day to the next...but the beauty in being able to finally look upon this memory as something God intended for good, is priceless! God is good. In every and all situations, God is good. In the middle of chaos and sadness, only he is able to stitch together hearts that will forever be connected, he is good...so good!
Think about something in your life that you consider "ugly" but later turned out to be beautiful? Who knew that even a lesson filled with tears could put a little pretty in your life? In your soul?!?
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