Filling the Voids

My husband John and I got married after only 6 months of dating and being engaged. Here we are almost 5 years later with a beautiful little boy and we are still burning bright. I’ve never felt like this in my entire life. He’s my best friend and though there are days of discord, life is more than I expected and all I’ve ever wanted.

Shortly after we got married I felt lonely and empty. Nothing was going wrong in our relationship but I’d realized that I had become a hermit. I’d let my own relationships slip away and had no place to vent any of my emotion. I had no one to get a drink with, chat with, and be a girl with. I missed my girlfriends, my confidants.

John has always said that I live in a “Disney Princess” world; he teases that I expect him to be my Prince Charming. For the most part, he’s right. I did expect him to be all things for me. After a short while and long chats with my mom, I realized that was an unrealistic expectation. He’ll never be able to fill all the different voids in my life. It’s a hard lesson I’ve had to, an honestly still am, learning.

“If he’s my best friend, shouldn’t he be able to support me, talk with me, understand me the way that no one else can “

I believe this to be a myth that the world and the media teach us from a young age. We are taught to find the perfect man, the sensitive man, the one who will fulfill our every need and every dream. Though I did find an amazing man and he will do all those things, he can’t always do them the way my woman heart needs.

We need to reach out to other women, friends who can help us fill those deep parts of our hearts that our significant others just can’t reach. It’s not an inability on their part; it’s just not the same. Our friends can reach places of us that no one else can, you know, the conversations without talking, the late night pouring out of your hearts, the kind of friends that rejuvenate our souls. We need other women to learn, sort through many different feelings, emotions, and challenges in our lives. We are made for human connection and I think some of us married/ seriously committed women forget that.

Tonight as I sat with two good friends in my living room chatting about our married lives and different challenges we’ve faced. I came to the conclusion that this is how I’ve always put a little pretty in my life. My friends have encouraged me in different ways that if John did, it wouldn’t touch the same places. They’ve supported me in different ways than John, not better, just different. They have encouraged me to shine, to wear the hot pink lipstick, to stay married, to call them when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Other women speak truth into our lives and it keeps us on point. When we talk, cry, vent with each other it helps to take off some of the“unrealistic expectation” from our husbands/boyfriends. I really believe that if you have a core group of good friends that meet different needs in your life, you become a well rounded person. For example, when I started my blog I asked John to read it, tell me what his thoughts were. He’s done so after each one and it’s always the same “I like it” or “It’s not bad”. Though those are not bad responses and he really does like it, it’s not what my woman heart desires. I’m glad he likes it but I’m looking for dialogue, discussion, encouragement and life provoking thoughts, something my friend Monica can definitely give me. So I ask John’s opinion because it does mean a lot to me, but I also don’t expect him to give me the same answer she will, I don’t get mad or yell and say “you don’t love me, you won’t communicate” I simply take him as he is and look to Monica to fill the “life provoking thoughts” part of my question.

The hardest thing is actually making sure that you take the time for you as a busy wife, mother, or girlfriend. These relationships with friends have to be nurtured and it’s a good thing to take time to do it. So go get dressed up and laugh with a good group of friends, it’s a dose of pretty for the soul.